And blame me for it when they're not.
- So when's your book coming out? - What book?
"Ludo Decker, Pour Some Sunshine in Your Life,
Together Alone."
Is it in the library?
It's on eBay.
You can't accept responsibility. You only want sex.
Why not? It's fun.
What about the girls you sleep with? Are they having fun, too?
I really think so.
They should be grateful they can sit at home and be love-sick?
- You think they're in love with me? - Happens to women sometimes.
Not mine. My women know what they're getting into.
The boundaries are discussed from the start.
Ludo, you can discuss all you want, but things change.
Maybe I sleep with a guy and nothing happens. A one-night stand. Great!
If it was good, I keep going back...
At some point I think, maybe he's got more to him.
By the fifth time women are in love.
Really?
No matter what you've discussed, it's still no free ticket
to act like an ass and shirk any responsibility.
Responsibility? I only have it if I'm together with someone.
If I say from the start, "Let's have fun, but I don't want a relationship."
Then I'm not an ass. If you don't get it, tough.
- Then no more sex for you. - Why not?
You don't get it! They're just acting. That's the joke.
Listen. You say: I just want some fun.
She says: Let's just have some fun, but thinks: Those were duds before me.
He doesn't know I'm the best thing he's ever had. Wait till he finds out!
You stick to the original agreement,
she's been going down another street and in the end you're the ass.
So either I have sex and I am an ass,
or I'm not an ass and I don't have sex, right?
Yes.
Then I'd rather be an ass.
I thought so.
Let's be serious. That woman has no clue.
That's why she's working at a day-care center.
- My dad's a renter. - Center.
No, a renter!
I'm proof she doesn't know what she's talking about.
I'm a woman.
Right?
I'm telling you,
some women only want sex.
- Maybe they're pretending. - The hell they are!
- Ludo, relax. - Don't ruin things.
You're too tense.
I'm a woman and I only want sex.
Dirty,
quick,
hard.
And the best thing is: no ties.
And on top of it:
I turn into a pizza afterward.
Holy cow.
What's up?
Did I do something wrong?
I think you better go.
Is that good?
It's Ludo!
Come in.
- Where's Anna? - Asleep.
- Has sex ever put you to sleep? - All the time.
With my ex. It was better that way.
What are you doing here?
What's that?
It is ugly, huh? It's Miriam's.
I'm drinking Ouzo. What're you doing?
Ludo just screwed a woman to sleep.
- Really? No way! - Really.
- She fell asleep while fucking? - No.
Not directly. He licked her to sleep.
- Way cool. - She was probably playing dead.
Like when animals play dead to stop anything worse from happening.
Did you dig or pick?
I have to explain something to you about men.
There are 3 types, ones who do nothing,
the diggers and the pickers.
The ones who do nothing expect you to be clean-shaven.
But they aren't. They expect a nightly blowjob.
Then fall straight asleep.
Their advantage is that they're harmless.
Then there's the digger.
He's like a housewife at a clearance sale,
digging for the best buy. Not life-threatening,
but annoying because he watches you during sex, and asks if you like it.
And he expects praise. Like this:
Am I good? Should I keep going?
And the last one is the picker. He thinks he's the best.
Because he's the only one of them who can find the clit.
He gets going like there's no tomorrow.
He picks at it like a madman. I mean, hello!
Do men think we want to play "Catch the Clit"?
Or what?
If she tilts her pelvis toward you, then it's good.
If she tilts her pelvis away, it's not good!
And the main thing is you don't ever, ever slide down!
If men knew that, they wouldn't need to be nice.
Ludo knows now.
- That doesn't help us. - Maybe he'll spread the word.
The hell I will.
Knowing this...
I can rule the world!
Done!
- That's nice! - It doesn't have ears!
- Still looks nice. - Without ears, it's not a rabbit.
- Okay, then it's handicapped. - Looks like a seal with arms.
We can sacrifice it tomorrow.
- To the gods. - Yeah, burn it!
What's that?
That's a sweet little Easter bunny.
But it's upside-down.
- It has no ears! - Yes, but this one is sweet.
But it's still upside-down.
If a kid makes it, then it's sweet.
- lf an adult does, you complain. - Yours has no ears.
- And that one doesn't have any. - Yes, but this is...
a RabbitWithoutEars.
It doesn't need ears.
It hears with its... nose.
It can hear with its nose?
So this RabbitWithoutEars
looks like a pot-bellied pig, right?
No! Pot-bellied pigs can't hear with their noses.
It's a very, very sweet Easter bunny, Cheyenne-Blue.
Ludo's just jealous. He's not good at handcrafts.
RabbitWithoutEars...
Good night, Seal.
Oh shit!
Any better?
Ludo has pigtails like a girl!
He looks silly!
Ludo has pigtails like a girl!
- Why isn't Anna taking care of us? - She's got a date.
- What's a date? - Kissing.
Very funny!
I'm bored.
Me too. Indians are dumb.
You're dumb.
Now everyone, shut up, all right?
- Otherwise I won't tell my story. - What story?
I can't tell you that.
- It's a surprise story. - You don't know any!
You have to be quiet. The coyotes might hear you!
They run around at night looking for ankle biters like you!
No way.
Hear that?
I think that was one.
So you're not really a real doctor?
I am. I just don't have the title. It's only a formality.
- Getting that is a breeze. - Then why don't you have one?
A general practitioner doesn't really need a doctor's title.
So I can go to you for my crooked nose?
- I'd refer you to an ENT center. - What?
An ear-nose-throat center.
I could send Miriam to you with her short leg.
I'd refer her to an orthopedic surgeon.
But you can prescribe
some wild party pills, can't you?
In theory, but only neurologists or psychiatrists can prescribe them.
But you write the referral.
Yes.
- How about a joke? - Okay.
What did the wife say when she was pushed down the basement stairs?
- I don't know. - Bud or Bud Light?
- Do you get it? - Yeah, but it's misogynistic.
Misogynistic.
Sorry.
You're doing super!
- Will we have to fight the coyotes? - Maybe.
But I tell you, if the coyotes are bold enough
to come here, we'll kick 'em in the tail! Okay?
Hopefully they'll come soon.
There was one.
- Cheyenne-Blue, did you see it? - Yes.
- What did it look like? - It had a brown hat on.
- It had a brown hat on? - And brown clothes.
Change of guard!
Know what I think is the worst?
When they say the boundaries are set from the start. Nonsense!
No ties. When I hear that... It's a big lie.
Just admit it!
You all know we'll end up falling in love.
And so we send stupid text messages and crap.
But know what I truly think is the worst?
No, but you can tell me next time.
That way we'll have something
to look forward to. Alright.
I have to get up early. Bye.
Should I come up for a coffee?
Are you still awake?
- I'm standing at the door. - May I come in?
Sure.
Nice place.
What?
- I twisted my foot. - Standing there?
Stupid shoe.
How was your date?
- We had a nice chat. - A chat or a debate?
No, more like an exchange of opinions.
What kind of opinions?
Oh, this and that.
- How men are asses sometimes. - Was that your opinion or his?
That was mine. I didn't find out his, because he took off.
Maybe you shouldn't exchange opinions next time.
I feel so stupid and dumped. And I got myself all dolled up.
Yeah, you're even wearing a dress.
And slutty high heels. From Miriam. Didn't help a bit.
I spent an hour in the bathroom, put on makeup, did my hair up,
went to a beautician, had all my hair ripped out with burning hot wax!
For 80 euros!
Everywhere?
Everywhere.
Everywhere?
Everywhere. It hurt so bad!
And I was cold all evening. Miriam said not to wear underwear.
You've got nothing on?
- I'll get a bladder infection. - Not even a G-string?
Jeez, Ludo!
Focus!
G-strings are underwear, too!
Nothing on? Wow.
I don't believe it!
- The door sticks. - I know.
You want a coffee?
Yes. Two sugars please.
I see it like this. We drank a little.
We find one another nice.
We landed in bed. It can happen.
I agree.
But it won't happen again.
Okay.
So everything's fine now.
I thought you'd be a dud in bed.
Funny, I thought that about you.
I was a competitive gymnast.
It was nice.
It was okay.
For you.
How nice. Did you make it for me?
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
They're really going to miss you.
I'm going to miss them. They're starting to grow on me.
- Cheyenne-Blue wanted you to stay. - Really?
I know it sounds funny, but why not? We could use a man around here.
- I'd love to but I've got a job. - Yes, I know.
- But I'll visit. Okay? - Any time.
I could have another go at the jungle gym.
Then you'd better not come back.
I think I'll miss you too.
Because you won't have someone to yell at about his sewing.
For an ugly bunny-maker, you have a hard time with criticism.
You know nothing about art.
It was special because it was different.
Ludo, can we get going?
I think I'll miss you a bit, too.
Bye.
Hey, My hat!
- Bye. - Bye.
Ludo, you said...
you thought you'd miss me a little, too.
That's good.
That's good. That's good, because...
I think I miss you more.
I know you think we've become good friends...
but it's become more for me.
Although we only slept together once, not three or four times...
I'll say it straight out: Ludo, I think I'm in love with you.
Don't panic. It's not your fault.
It's not your fault and nor is it your responsibility.
Well, maybe a little.
No good. Leave that out.
It's not your responsibility at all.
Anna, you couldn't convince someone on 'Bold and the Beautiful' with that.
I couldn't?
I don't know. Reconsider it.
Or shorten it up. Get to the point.
To the point.
Then it'd be good!
- Where are you taking me? - It's my favorite spot.
If I'd known it was so far, I'd have brought hiking boots.
Quit complaining. It's really nice there.
Yes, it is. What do you think?
- Smells a little fishy. - You're so unromantic.
It was a joke. It's really great.
- What's so special? I'm all ears. - I wanted to tell you something.
Ludo, they say...
A gull crapped on my shoulder!
- What a mess! I don't believe it. - They say
it's impossible for men and women to just be friends.
We prove them wrong.
Although...
Well, I don't know either.
Let me get to the point.
Although we've...
...and not three or four times.
Ludo, let me say it straight out...
And lots.
It's really loud here.
What did you say?
Yes... What? Now?
Okay, I'm coming.
I gotta go. There's trouble at the office.
It was really nice here. Bye.
How about doing dinner next Wednesday?
Wednesday is super. I can come.
- Super. - Super.
- I really have to go. - No problem.
Wednesday.
God!
Keep going, keep going!
Hold on a minute.
- What did I do? - Don't ask me! We had a date!
We had a date? Shit! I totally forgot!
Yeah, I noticed. Instead, you fucked that stupid cow!
I didn't fuck her! Honestly!
Hey, I'm really sorry about forgetting our date.
But it had nothing to do with that woman. Honestly.
Is 'idiot' written on my forehead?
- I don't see anything. - Asshole.
I had sex with a woman. So? You two told me how it all works!
There are no words for you.
- I don't want to see you again. - What's this about?
We're good friends. Nothing more. You said so yourself. And now this?
You barge into my apartment without ringing! It's not normal!
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean it like that.
You're really special to me. Really!
You're like a...
a sister to me.
It's alright, Ludo. Never mind.
I gotta go. Take care, okay?
Asshole.
Anna, open up!
I'm sorry.
I'm truly sorry.
- I know you're behind the door. - Go away.
I like you.
Anna, please open up.
Just go away!
Open up!
But you don't have to sue us, do you? It's a great opportunity for you two.
I can see it now: "Nussbaumer and Berg
make up under the Christmas tree."
- Christmas is a long way off. - Exactly.
Until then, we write about your problems.
Psychologists. Struggling with problems.
Talking it over with the slut.
Manuela? Over my dead body!
Okay, then. Marriage counseling. Sounds better, huh?
Husband's psychological background. Interview with the slut.
Where we discover the slut is press-hungry.
Vacation in the Caribbean, kisses left and right. Happy ending.
It's important to show everyone
that Michi loves his Dani.
A dumb question, but what about
- Dani having my baby? - Super!
- Have you lost your mind? - Why?
No way! No baby, no kisses in the Caribbean. We're kissed out.
We've been hit with financial losses and you're going to pay!
Do you two specialists know what this'll cost us?
We're talking millions here! Millions!
That's about how many idiot-hormones you two have!
That's it! Red card!
Better yet, red carpet! Paris, Athens, adieu!
Barbara! Barbara!
Super. Great outfit, I tell you!
Do something wild with your arms!
- Bend over. - No!
Bend over!
Damn, she's got no taste! She looks horrible.
Hey, bend over!
She's still not answering?
Can I have a seat?
Thanks.
- It's used. - Yeah, could be.
Want some, too?
It's actually for the ducks.
Tastes good.
Why so sad?
Can I treat you to an ice cream?
Vanilla?
Vanilla, strawberry, chocolate. Whatever you want.
- Want to play? - I don't have time.
- Hey, is Anna here? - No, She took a few days off.
Really?
What's up? How are you?
Fine. Great.
- Can you tell her I said hi? - Sure I can.
I better get going.
- Take care. - Later.
- Are you going? - I have to.
Hey, Ludo. My hat!
- Bye. - Bye.
Jürgen. Jürgen, look over here.
I love you. Wonderful! Show us those pearly whites.
Where'd you get the jacket? The Socialist good will store?
Watch it!
What's wrong with it?
Nothing.
It's actually quite pretty.
The kitties.
You see!
Thanks, Jürgen. How about an interview later?
"Superstar Jürgen Vogel's date
is prettiest woman of the evening, Anna Gotzlowski,
29, day-care worker.
She stole the show with her beauty
blowing away all celebrities despite her questionable jacket."
You wore your cat jacket? I don't believe it!
He must really love you.
We're good for each other right now.
It has nothing to do with love.
I'm not talking about Jürgen. I mean Ludo!
It's too late for that.
Who handed out the brains to you?
Jürgen's skinny four-eyes on the cover page?
- As prettiest woman of the evening? - She was!
You think? I don't think so! I thought Barbara with her knockers was better!
- Maybe it's a question of taste. - I think so.
No, you don't think here anymore, my friend! I'm firing you.
Get your crap and buzz off! Understand?
- Okay, I'm gone in 5 minutes. - Good.
Know what? You can see if 'Tagesspiegel' needs a bell boy!
What an ass! What now?
Well?
- Where is everyone? - Renaissance Theater, kids festival.
Oh.
You look pretty shitty.
I'm not doing too well.
- What you wrote about Anna was sweet. - Really?
My editor thought it was mediocre.
- I think she liked it, too. - Honestly?
Great.
You coming along?
- Where? - The theater. I'm driving.
Come on!
Come.
- To the Renaissance Theater. Coming? - lf I'm coming? I'm driving!
Oh, how wonderful.
I'm a little scatterbrained.
- Are you going in? - I'm staying with you.
- But Ludo needs... - He'll manage on his own.
Okay.
Well?
Yeah.
So, let's get going.
- What are you doing here? - Can we talk?
- Now? - Yes.
It's not the right moment.
What's so important?
- Are you two an item? - And what if?
I like him. He's a nice guy.
He told me how he made a fool of you.
Yeah...
- Ludo, I have to go back in. - I miss you.
- I miss you too, sometimes. - You do?
But you and I are friends, okay?
Come on now. I can't keep my customers waiting.
Do I look like a Porsche?
Where's the damn bear tail?
What do I know? Not my responsibility.
We're almost on, Uwe!
There it is!
Come on now!
Autographs after the show.
What are you gaping at? Never seen a king before?
Mucky, Mucky!
Hello, my dear children!
Hello, Anna!
You can't get rid of me anymore.
I'll wait in front of your day-care center every day.
Get off the stage!
You can't throw me out!
He's cool.
I love you, Anna!
And lots!
Hello? Hello?
Wake up!
You've slept long enough, my RabbitWithoutEars!
I love you!
Who are you?
I'm with Universal Music. I want to offer you a record deal.
You'll be big... Bigger than Robbie Williams.
One million... What do you say?
I'm sorry. Not interested.
- Two million. - I'm not for sale.
I've got other plans.
What, if I may ask?
Don't laugh, but I want to work in day-care.
Let me get this straight. You want to forego fame to work in day-care?
Yes.
That's me. I can't change myself.
- I know who could use some help. - Really?
When could I start?
Immediately.
Hello! To Christian-Gärtner-Strasse. What'll it cost?
That asshole is back there!
"You always meet twice in life."
Come on.
- Hello there. - Hello.
How much to Christian-Gärtner Strasse?
Around 25 euros.
I'll give you 50, but you'll have to blow me.
And the little lady gets to watch.
Do I look like a queer? I've got 5 kids. Get out of here.
The nerve!
- I won't ask. - No.
- Christian-Gärtner Strasse? How much? - About 25 euros.
Okay, I'll give you 50. 25 for the ride.
and 25 if you blow me tenderly along the way.
And the little lady gets to watch.
Hey, get lost!
- It was just a thought. - Cool.
To Christian-Gärtner Strasse? How much?
- 50 euros. - 50 euros.
Okay, I'll give you 100.
But you have to drive by your buddies real slowly,
happily waving,
and smiling from ear to ear, okay?
Let's go!
Subtitles David Fenske Jeffrey A. McGuire
Film und Video Untertitelung Gerhard Lehmann AG